It takes monumental effort and heroic courage to deliberately and methodically create a new identity. Like the caterpillar transforming into a butterfly, the process demands that we shed who we are to become something new - I love the parasite that has to be fought - making what is hard, so much more harder. I have immense compassion for those on this journey - it requires so much courage. It is absolutely the hardest and most frightening thing. To transition, we must pass through a dark and uncertain period where we feel like nothing—we lose our old identity without yet having formed a new one.
This in-between state is perhaps why transformation takes so long and with a handicap. I have seen this often: brilliant individual contributors struggle to elevate themselves to the role of managers. The leap requires not just new skills but an entirely new way of being. Though this might seem like a digression, it illustrates an essential truth about change. I imagine how it would be with a entrenched handicap.
As humans, we yearn to feel worthy and useful, clinging even to identities that are painful or dysfunctional because they provide a sense of certainty. In that transmuted state, letting go of what we know feels like losing ourselves entirely. And yet, what lies on the other side of change is unknown. This fear of the unknown paralyzes us—whether we are outgrowing a role, a belief system, or even a version of ourselves, a new identity.
To move forward, there must be introspection. Change cannot be driven by hatred for who we are, were or where we’ve been. It must be rooted in love—love for the person we are becoming, love for the journey, and love for the growth that awaits us. We must not reject where we are, but instead, embrace the vision of where we want to be with greater love and compassion. Hate will not help - it never does. Compassion, forgiveness helps - but it is perhaps asking too much of someone who has suffered immensely. But it is also the only way to a peaceful, loving future.
Healing begins when we love ourselves so deeply that we can love others without barriers. Love, however, is not mere pleasure. Love is sacrifice, courage, honesty, and radical acceptance. It is the force that carries us through the darkness of transformation, not by avoiding pain, but by embracing it as a step toward something greater.
To transform is to dismantle every wall that prevents us from loving fully—ourselves, others, and the world around us. And in doing so, we find not just a new identity, but a deeper sense of connection to all that is. Sorry for the rant and thank you for writing.
